I've come to an uncomfortable conclusion about my relationships lately.
It's not them, it's me.
I've lived in a scarcity mindset for so long that I have developed this idea that I'm lacking support and alone in the world. That no one really cares what I say, do, or need. I've told myself it's fine, I prefer being on my own anyway. I don't need anyone. My defense mechanisms are so typical that it's almost laughable.
Yes, I do enjoy spending time on my own. I flourish in solitude. That being said, I've come to realize that meaningful connection with others is also essential to my well-being.
The truth that's now revealing itself to me is that I'm not alone. I'm just terrible at receiving.
I've always been giving, and I thought that made me a kind and vulnerable person. It is kind, when it comes from an authentic place. But I can admit that sometimes my generosity comes with unspoken strings attached. I want validation, love, and appreciation in return. And I don't always get that, and then I feel I've given part of myself away to those who will never value me.
This is entirely a "me" problem. I can't control how others respond, but I can control where I choose to spread my own energy and kindness. Giving feels good, but it requires no actual vulnerability.
Once I understood that true vulnerability lies in receiving, my patterns made more sense. I feel uncomfortable when others want to give to me, so I usually avoid it, shut it down, or simply choose to bring people into my life who are rather selfish. Then I can stay in my comfortable victim mentality. I can keep getting exactly what I'm used to instead of what I really want deep down inside.
I don't think I'm alone in this. Maybe you, too, were raised to believe that you had to give all the time. Maybe you never had your needs met as a child and kept perpetuating those same patterns into adulthood. Our parents fuck all of us up somehow - it seems inevitable. So what if instead of believing that everyone lives to take advantage of you, you shifted your beliefs? What if you chose to believe that love is all around?
I can tell you that I've already seen shifts in my life as I slowly learn to receive support. I've found that my friends are actually eager to support and give to me if I let them (remember - giving feels good!). They are happy to be there for me. I am also calling more like-minded, kind and supportive people into my life now that I value my own energy and time.
I'm letting myself receive, little by little. It's not as scary as I thought. It might even ... feel good.
You deserve to get back everything you give out. You are worthy of love, kindness, compassion, and support. In order to actually receive, though, you first need to believe that you deserve it. Then you must start opening up and allowing it. It's time to lower those walls, darling. They aren't doing you any good.
You can do this. It'll feel foreign and daunting at first, but with each little act of receiving, your confidence and self-worth grow. I can attest to that. There are people in this world who want to support you.
You matter. Sending you love.